paradox

In this dream –

You ask me why my hands are shaking 

and I start to cry ,lost again 

You ask me why I’m crying 

i tell you I’m tired , tired of worldly relationships trying to breakdown the walls 

You ask why and I dig my nails a little 

Deeper into my palms and start counting to 10.

Some nights I feel like the smoke in my lungs .

the day you said you loved me  I shed a tear 

I like sun flowers and now they’re all over me continuing to slowly engulf me 

I’m so empty. My hearts known to be a wasteland . 

It’s cold and dark , burden .

your hand tighten around my neck and I feel at peace 

I scream for you to look at me , this time I tore it all down , everything we built .

Lately the sky falls asleep in colours but I still feel the darkness . I taste grief on my finger tips and I feel darkness flowing through my bloodstream . The snow has melted and like every year it leaves the cold and hurt behind .

Winter stays all year long with me , but today I see  it’s tragedy tangled with proof of damage , I need to feel better to do something about the grief 

⸻

So 

I revert to the day love returned 

28 November 

 My  sun comes  home  today ,tired now 

 and my eyes are burning ,the way one thinks of light after closing their eyes.

Not to lose / internal.

pills have tied this together, and instead of losing myself , I noticed you. I felt nothing all this while begging to made up gods to give me something real , to prove the life he created 

but the words never stopped rotting 

and I never learnt anything 

nightmares dictated how the 

demons always stayed and voices grew shriller each time I  tried , favourite crime .

 funny how it’s quieter now though

feelings are what i locked away all those years ago and told the reflections that this is honour 

, accepting my fate /lying to myself .

now I don’t remember what and when  everything existed but 

I know now 

what we run from is exactly what we end up chasing , 

 did it hurt , is this how it felt to be kind my love ?

js wanting  to hold a heart is costing us illusions but , assuring myself in the unbecoming doesn’t feel foreign to me anymore , if love remains and all annihilated would we rule , would they finally recognise us , we merged souls .

sinners  will never stop  singing along if it’s 

about the cracks and if you ask me it’s as if  they’re getting wider, 

I look forward to hearing it endures yet doesnot dissolve—it clarified.

Your presence felt precise in that moment ,paradise plays on the radio today 

as your light shines so bright i forget it all ,

if starting to learn to pray is all it takes 

i cry for its 

almost methodological, as if closeness had rules I had simply never been taught before.

I remember waking up first, earlier ,that day 

felt like god finally listened and looked at us 

that was the first time I felt like 

I could finally rest in stillness 

sunrise that day was  quieter almost makes me believe that 

beside you it’ll all be okay , art of noticing is something I knew i needed to master but i only remember how much this means , always aware but I think you need to know how ,why? —- I still need to learn and how much can I but 

on waking beside you for the first time 

you looked so beautiful so content that I wished you would never have to worry again 

I thought of how I’d kill all to see you again ,

I remember trying to get up but the feeling of 

my palms  held together in yours 

safely tucked away from the monsters tucked under my bed made me freeze . I remember how I’d never let this moment go ,

at some point, I tried to pull my palm away from yours—out of reflex, not intention,almost in a rush 

scared you’ll regret it if you wake and feel my hands that I have always thought to be too rough to let someone hold on to but 

You didn’t notice ,you didn’t flinch 

you were still asleep , 

I was so careful because i believed you’d wake up but i js needed to hold on to you tighter , recognising your love almost afraid you’ll know .

people would say i dream of things in the way people usually notice things, never mind almost believable how ignorance is bliss but 

Your hands just stayed, held on tighter 

unaware but certain, too real to walk away now .

later you left and I couldn’t stop staring at my palms tracing the lines trying to picture  how our hands fit into each other’s, almost one. When you’re away I always liked to imagine on days that feel heavy how maybe you  were still holding on with the quiet understanding that it could loosen

 if it needed to. Do you know love ? Do you remember how I felt when my eyes were looking up at you while I  bruised my knees for my love? Is breathing harder than existing now my sun ? 

It didn’t stop though ,the voices .That small resistance rewrote something in me. walking by faith is all I knew in that moment . It brought me hope that maybe it’s not in my head , it’s here now.

closeness always felt threatened all these years but I didn’t know it could be instinctive, that staying didn’t always require effort or explanation, that being allowed to leave and being wanted could exist at the same time.

maybe lovers are not always fighters but sometimes soldiers , 

maybe 

it’s really just me asking you to wait back , 

will you my sun ? 

Not abruptly but 

Not with fear.

Just the honest reality  of souls

 still choosing proximity over ignorance ?

the house is stopping to smell like graves and 

suprising this winter my lilies blossomed into 

life , hope 

Your warmth remained where it had been, unquestioned. 

would you believe I desperately memorised how you traced something secret bound by infinite possibilities,

on my hips when the world felt heavy ? 

how did you  not arrive as urgency or claim? 

yet  as permission. 

how do I get better and how do I know now it’s enough ? 

it’s too warm for January now and I don’t have time to think about the consequences, 

we all have contracts to honour now. 

waking in that silent moment , I swear that  if this was the last day on earth I’d wish upon airplanes so I could hear your voice and I am sure you’d say something dumb to hide behind humour but glad 

 I understood that intimacy is not intensity.

It is accuracy. Consistency, i think I was raised in awareness so i have to wake up now .

We laid together , in grayscale  like two sentences sharing grammar. 

Breathing aligned.

Silence not threading into my sanity 

never knew home was something we make out of the proof of the existence of love , 

Nothing needing to be proven.

Nothing needing to be said into existence. 

just getting up everyday , recognising.

I have always wanted to mistrust love that doesn’t announce  itself that doesn’t fight back but 

What you do instead is  just exist alongside 

a way of being that did not fluctuate according to my usefulness or performance.

You did not reshape me.

You did not correct me.

You observed me without extraction.

you really brought me back to life , I know it’s getting harder to believe now but 

That is what altered everything. 

I found my sun as I went and yet continued to walk through the lavender fields , 

no alarms and no surprises ever again 

you’re  something I revolved around,

but something steady enough that I stopped looking for shadows.

With you, warmth was not conditional, church bells one day 

Light did not ask for devotion yet 

this year the snow settled .

If we are  one soul, it is not because we merged, not because we found destiny swinging at school we wrote our names on coffee stained paper and played Cupid ,

It is because nothing in me had to be abandoned to stay ,

 always need to be the one you run home to ,

I did not disappear /little lost 

for how long do I need to abandon myself this time around ? 

I exist because you still recognise me in every void that exists 

I’ve never had to admit that I’m  a coward 

nights with you feels like a dream because it taught me something irreversible

that love can be quiet,

that touch can be gentle without being uncertain stained .

that being seen does not require exposure—only attention. 

This is how you loved me, this is how I remember this is my only truth , 

Not loudly,

Not briefly.

But accurately and this is why I have to be careful,

this is why and how I become a healer even though im still a terrible lover ,

 I still need to know how the lines are drawn when it’s meant for return, 

my sole wish is to believe in us so much that all I’m made of only remains true and real 

is put up as proof of life ,

as a mere witness to your holy existence , 

wish I had the courage to admit it all but maybe just maybe 

I don’t wish this time ,

 I just admit it . 

I carry this touch so close in my crystal heart that it makes me hold on to the illusion that 

we’re gonna get up and walk forward, 

together palms locked in,

built it all even though it’s burnt out now ,

even when time tries to soften the blow and it gets harder for you 

i promise ill always exist in your presence,

bring you back each time you turn away ,

show you how happiness is made out of love 

and you know how I’ve always been a performative hater and my love 

if you ever need to rest just return to your own , say you finally found  your way back , I hope I still feel like living ? or am I or are you yet again just surviving? doubts exist but I never question ,

Is this where I fall to be finally buried ?   

regardless it’s  freezing now but 

you’ll see one day love 

you’ll know then

that 

I did it all over again 

I escaped 

and  while you seek how  the sky falls asleep in colours ,

I will remain and wait back

 remembering how it felt 

to look at the airplanes and 

wish for proof that it all amounts to something , praying to made up god to help me , just once 

I found harmony the day he sent you for me 

that’s  how  I found my sun in the darkest of  tunnels and the light is all I needed to see, 

to exist , to breathe easier .